Hello, I'm Sneha, a 20-year-old girl from Kathmandu, originally from Sindhupalchowk. My childhood in Chabahil, alongside my brothers, was marked by their teenage banter, and teasing girls, a ritual that became my amusing playground. Our home echoed with laughter, and those carefree days formed the backdrop for the seeds of self-discovery.
One of the memories I have is when my brother had a huge crush on the girl who had recently joined his grade. He wouldn’t stop talking about her day and night. My older brother would tease him and I too would join in on the fun. Later they started bringing their girlfriends at home. Sometimes, they would watch movies in the living room or at other times would be doing some assignments. As I grew older, it became a regular part of our household dynamics. I would join in and poke fun at them without much contemplation, unaware of the impact these seemingly innocent moments would have on my understanding of identity and love. They in return would tease me that they would embarrass me if I ever brought home girls too.
In high school, I realized I was different when it came to who I liked. It was confusing because everyone around me talked about having crushes on boys, but I liked both boys and girls. I wasn't scared about liking both, but I was more afraid of how people would see me. I quickly found out that people thought it was taboo for a girl to like other girls. It wasn't as easy to talk about as my chats with my brothers. Soon, people started whispering and giving me curious looks, making it hard for me to share my feelings openly. People were laughing and chatting in the hallways, but I felt alone among all those new faces. It got even lonelier because it seemed like everyone had these rules about how much affection was okay. In the quiet spots on campus, I kept to myself, trying to figure out who I was.
One day, after thinking a lot, I went to hang out with my close cousins, who are around my age. We sat in a comfy corner of our family home, and I nervously brought up the topic that had been on my mind. "I've been thinking a lot about something personal," I said, feeling a mix of nervousness and a desire for them to understand.
Their reactions were a mix of surprise, understanding, and acceptance. They really listened as I explained my feelings. One cousin, with a comforting smile, said, "Love comes in many forms, Sneha. It's great that you're embracing all aspects of it." The other one agreed, "You're still the same Sneha we've always known, and we love you for who you are."
Talking to my cousins made me feel like a weight had been lifted. Their support gave me the courage to be myself. With that newfound bravery, I began to share my true self with others, starting with my family.
Now, let's jump to the chaotic year of 2020, marked by the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. In the middle of all the uncertainty, I sought comfort in the world of anime within the walls of my messy room. But this haven was often interrupted when my mom walked in, telling me to clean up and fit the mold of a "good girl." From where I come from, being a “good girl” is important to find a “good husband”. She often told me who would marry a girl who keeps her room this messy. One day, I caught myself saying, "Don't worry, Mom. I'll marry a girl and we shall both clean the room together." The room fell silent, and confusion showed on my mother's face.
After a while, my mom laughed, "You always make jokes about marrying a girl. I remember even when you were young. You’d tell everyone you’d marry a girl just like your brothers."
It was a playful moment, but I saw a chance to open up about my true self. "Well, Mom, it might not be just a joke," I admitted, my voice steady. "I like both men and women, so who I end up marrying might not be what you expect. Would that be okay?"
There was a thoughtful pause before my mom's face softened. "Sure," she finally said, and walked out of the room. Later, in the living room with other family members and the same cousins, my mom shared the story. Laughter filled the room as she retold my declaration. Yet, amid the laughter, she added, "But you know what? I'm okay with it. Love is love, after all." She referenced one of my stickers that I had pasted in my bathroom mirror.
The living room turned into a space of acceptance and love, with every shared smile adding a brushstroke to the masterpiece of understanding. In those moments, I saw the strength in being open, staying true to who I am, and the wonderful picture created by acceptance and love.
Currently, I work as a program officer at the Blue Diamond Society. Looking back on the colorful scenes of my past that have shaped me into a confident and genuine person, I feel blessed. As I face the challenges of the world, I carry the wisdom gained from my journey—a journey filled with layers of self-discovery and strengthening the power found in authenticity.
